[I] don't seem to have much to say these days. There may be seasons when we are exploding with good things that should be said. These seasons usually follow seasons of not having much to say. Those are times when I wish I listened more. I should be listening more these days. About those times when we're exploding with good things...I want to recognize when those things are gone and I'm just spewing nonsense. If we are honest with ourselves, we can tell when we've hit that point...if we're willing to listen to what we're saying and the force we're having to use to come up with it and push it out our mouths. If we are honest with ourselves, we will know when we're dragging the Kingdom up a hill. I want to be honest with myself.
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I must change my life, I thought. Is this what Rilke meant? That I should “get healthy?” I should eat better, drink better? I jumped to this conclusion in the aisle at my grocery store.
I've had climate change anxiety since college, but bringing a baby into the universe intensifies it. My anxiety no longer only extends the length of my lifespan. I tell my husband Taylor I regret having a child because I can't stand the thought of Jackson in pain. He holds up our son’s wiggly, plump body. "You really wish he didn't exist?"